A Midlife Crisis at 28

Future Car???

Future Car???

Stuff’s been bugging me lately and I mean a lot of STUFF. The more I think about it, the crazier I get and further away I appear to be from an answer. All I can do is assume that this is an early midlife crisis.

Let me set the scene:

I’m 28, I have a good job, I live in a lovely flat, I go on a reasonable number of holidays, have some lovely friends, an amazing bf, a brilliant family and I even have a car thrown into the mix too. For a 28 year old who just a year ago lived in a house that was lonely, had no real job, no bf and a mountain of debt, I’d say that things are changing pretty rapidly and they’re changing for the better. So why am I so discontent?

I can only put it down to a form of midlife crisis. What I actually think it is, is an “I’m approaching 30, FML, this is terrible” crisis but that’s not especially catchy. You might now expect me to panic about the fact that while my life is moving in an upward direction, I’m not yet married and I don’t have children and the clock’s ticking, etc, etc.

NO!

What I’m panicking about is that I’m getting close to a point where I might be expected to “settle down”; people are going to expect me to get married and have babies, just like everyone around me is doing and I don’t want to. Not only that, but this panic that’s setting in is giving me a major case of the old itchy feet. Suddenly I’m craving travel like never before, I’m struggling to see how I’ll get through the next year without taking at least 3 months solid out to go exploring. I’m looking at sports cars; what can I afford and which cars only come with 2 seats to be sure that there’s no space for buggies or babies???

Don’t get me wrong, it took me ages to find a job I like and the bf is truly 1 in 6 billion or however many people there are in the world; there’s no way I’m going to just dump and run. That doesn’t stop the feeling of panic though, it just makes me want to pack him in my suitcase and work from China or Australia or New York…anywhere far flung! 

The biggest problem I have right now is how to resolve this. I don’t want to put up and shut up and wake up in 5 years tied down to a marriage, mortgage and motherhood but I’m not bold enough to risk it all in case I lose everything I’ve worked for so far. Where’s the middle ground? Should I just buy the sports car and be done with it? Deny my age? Paint my bedroom to look like a jungle? (My bedroom is sorta like a jungle anyway in that you do have to watch where you put your feet but it’s far less leafy.)

HELP ME! I’m getting old(er) and I’m scared. I’ve got a liney face and cellulite in the bum/thigh region and things are changing and my life isn’t like the books I read and films I watch. I’m living in reality and I don’t know what to do with it!!! x

What’s Stopping Me Writing?

Every now and then a question pops into my head which is “What’s stopping me writing?”. I can’t place the exact day, time or place that blogging took a back seat in my life but it certainly seems to be the case right now.

There was a time a couple of years ago when all I wanted to do was write, blog, write and blog some more and I had absolutely loads to say. I had post ideas popping out of my head and I just could not keep up with the ideas as well as my daily life; all I knew was that life was getting in the way of my writing.

Fast-forward to now and I’m struggling even more to fit blogging into my life. I still read blogs, I still love the freedom of having this outlet at my fingertips but for some reason I’m just not using it. Not only am I not using it but I’m not missing it very much either. Every now and then, like today, I have a sudden urge to throw my ramblings at any poor, passing reader who will listen but most of the time, I’m pretty content not doing this.

So I come back to the question of “why?” and my only explanation is quite simply that I’m now happier with the life I’m living offline so I feel less of a desire to supplement it with a strong online life. A couple of years ago, I wanted to be everything, I needed to feel like I was achieving things because I couldn’t find anything that made me happy. Now, I’m largely content so while I have big blogging ideas, I end up shelving them in favour of  spending more time enjoying the moment, rather than capturing it in text.

Has anyone else had a similar thing happen to them?

Review: Primark Beauty Stick-on Nails

Hello, hello!

I have a whole host of the “inner workings of my mind” posts lined up that I’ve been writing as late. Today though, I’m writing a good old beauty review just because I can :-)

Earlier on I had a bored moment and peeled off my Shellac and then bit my weak nails off as well. DISGUSTING! I tried my hardest to get a nail appointment for some extensions to be applied without an electric file and failed. As my last ditch attempt venue happened to be across from Primark, I popped in to check out their ever-expanding beauty range.

Well, I found loads of cool stick-on nail designs and for £1 a pack, they’re dirt cheap compared to all other nail alternatives so I figured it was my duty to give them a go. Other than the fact that my nails are now unusable because they’ll pop off if I so much as open a pack of sweets, I love them! Check these bad boys out, (excuse my dry skin):

The Nails!

The Nails!

image image image

I’ve yet to shower or dress/undress so I’m not sure how they’ll last but I’ll definitely be buying these again for a night out. Far cheaper, quicker and easier than going to a salon, especially if you’re only after 1 night of nail glamour!

Anyone tried any of the rest of the Primark beauty range? X

Insomnia; Friend or Foe

Hello!!!

Apologies for the lack of recent blog activity, I seem to have been busy living that thing we call life. I say living, I mean I’ve been working my bottom off and spending my spare time sleeping / vegging out!

Right now though, I am on holiday and I swore to myself I would post while on holiday.  What I had envisioned was a lovely, photograph-heavy post, written in the sunshine. What’s actually happened is my insomnia is back with me and I’ve decided to post at 4.30am while the world around me is dark and asleep.

Not surprisingly then, my post is actually going to be about insomnia. It’s a strange thing, this not being able to sleep despite being super tired. I’ve always been a light sleeper and never been an 8 hours a night type of person but the insomnia has only reared its head in the last 5 or so years and I’m really not a fan.

Well, I say I’m not a fan but sometimes, like now, the middle of the night can be really productive. I get books read, writing done, planning done, etc. But then I’m exhausted, my wrinkles are deeper and my eyes more tired the following day. I can easily function for weeks when I suffer this curse but the enjoyment disappears from things because I’m constantly having to battle the scratchy eyes and pounding headache.

People who don’t get this, just don’t understand. They ask questions like, “Did you try closing your eyes? You can’t not sleep with your eyes closed”. Yes I tried closing my eyes, I’m not stupid! Then I tried a sleep mask too because once again, I’m not stupid!  It doesn’t seem to be socially acceptable to suggest that perhaps I am a superior and more complex being than they are, despite them suggesting that I am the utmost simpleton.

Insomnia seems to be divisive, there are those that do and those that don’t, with no bridge of understanding in the middle. I’m honestly not sure whether it’s just a pain in my backside or whether it adds an extra dimension to my world. It’s not necessarily a dimension I ever felt was lacking, but nonetheless, it’s another differentiator between me and Joe Bloggs.

I’m keen to hear from fellow non-sleepers…how you do tackle this beast and what do you think of it? 

Right now, I can hear one of my Schnauzer brothers awake in the next room. If there wasn’t a human in there with him, I’d have a playmate to see me through. Maybe he’ll read this post and “sleep” in my room next time! 

Day 2 of my James Vale, Juice Master 3 Day Detox – MAN DOWN!

It’s all gone pear-shaped…(do you see what I did there!?!)

My juicer has DIED! Well, it hasn’t exactly died but everything it produces tastes like burning plastic, the juicer itself smells like burning plastic and I’m not a huge fan of the smoked effect it’s started giving my kitchen.

This sounds like possibly the best excuse ever for flaking out of my juice diet but I am not making this up, not even a tiny bit. I’m now drowning in fruit and veg that don’t usually go together to make a meal. Hmm…

The advice from today, friends is not to buy a Phillips juicer. Hidden among all of the amazing reviews are lots of reviews that talk about the juicers going up in smoke after a few uses. Amazon have even stopped shipping my model because it is defective.

I’ve ordered a new juicer and it looks like I’m going to have to shelve this diet until it arrives next week. Yes, next week. I even ordered silver (yuk) instead of red (love) to expedite the recommencement of the juice detox. THAT’S HOW DEDICATED I AM!!!

Until then, I’m sorry. I failed. But really and truly, for once it wasn’t my fault :-) x

Day 1 of my James Vale, Juice Master 3 Day Detox

Things on this blog have been a bit serious for the last few posts and it’s been ages since I did any sort of review so I thought I’d jump back on it and try something new. With a hen do coming up this weekend, I’ve decided that I need to run some sort of detox program to try and get my body back to looking and feeling good. Given my past history of failure at these things, I’ve decided to try a 3 day detox.

I’ve downloaded Jason Vale’s 3 day Juice Master detox app and I’ve actually got as far as starting it. According to his motivational video, I’m already doing better than most because I’ve bought the food and started the detox. BOOM! This is the kind of information I need to hear to keep me on the straight and narrow.

The Shopping List

The Shopping List

However, the people who said I wouldn’t be hungry LIED. These are the same idiots who say their bloating decreases, their energy increases and they love it from day one.

I’m struggling, it’s 2.30pm and I’m thinking of going straight to bed post evening juice when I get home because I am THAT tired and hungry right now. I even cheated and ate a satsuma…a whole satsuma! My teeth loved the opportunity to chew something :-)

Then I ate an apple. Just now I ate an apple because I was feeling light-headed. I’m really not sure these diets factor in the extreme eaters like me. WHOOPS!

To be fair, I think it’s been extra bad for me today because my juicer overheated last night so one of my “juices” is full of bits as I had to resort to the blender. Tomorrow’s menu looks much better as there’s a fruit smoothie and there’s ginger in one of the juices which is pretty much my favourite flavour ever! Not that that makes me any less hungry right now. What I’m currently thinking is that might just eat the components of the juice for dinner. No juicing, just actual huge chunks of food. I can’t get more bloated than I am right now and it should fill me up enough to allow me to actually do some exercise which has to be a good thing.

Watch this space to see if I’ve fallen off the wagon by this time tomorrow… (think thin, think yummy smoothie, think bikini, think…oh sod it!) x

A Controversial View on a Controversial Subject

I can’t imagine a day when talking about suicide won’t be a controversial topic but once again it’s been thrown into the air as something people are openly discussing on the back of the recent passing of Peaches Geldof. There’s no current evidence that her death was a result of suicide but due to the Tweet she posted the night before, speculation seems to be rife. I’m not especially interested in discussing what happened to Peaches as I think rumours are rather disrespectful when somebody’s family are grieving. However, the wider topic of discussion that this throws up is something that is always going to be interesting to me.

Today in the office, a couple of the team started talking about this and then discussing how selfish it is for a mother of young children to commit suicide. While I can see their point, I popped my opinion out there and I’m popping it out here again to see if I receive anything other than shocked responses. My opinion, and I promise this is the honest truth, is that it is more selfish for someone who is that seriously depressed to carry on than it is for them to move on to whatever comes after the life we know.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting this is a decision that should be taken lightly and that human life should be wasted but I do believe that people who have spent long enough wishing they weren’t alive will never truly come back. I’m talking about those who can’t get through daily life without throwing the lives of all others around them into disarray. Essentially, I’m talking about people who are like my own mother was. For a good 10 years, (the entirety of the time I remember when she was alive) she wasn’t right. The tiniest things would cause her world to collapse; the sausages not being defrosted leading to hours of tears and anger is one of my earliest memories of such behaviour.

As a child, this is distressing. You’ve no idea what to expect from your parent, no understanding of why they’re so different to everyone else’s parents and no idea what it is you’ve done to deserve having it all taken out on you. Now multiply those confusing feelings by 10 years and factor in physical violence but also mixed with a huge amount of love and I hope you can start to understand why my opinion on this is the way it is.

How can one person love you so much and be the absolute centre of your world, pushing you to be the best version of yourself you can be yet also be the person that screams at you when the car won’t start? Or the person who cries and then screams and then slams doors, punches worktops and shouts at you because they spilled their dinner. It’s a very strange world to live in, is that and to be perfectly honest, life is a lot easier without it.

So, for those on the outside looking in at a world they have no experience of, I challenge you to say that it’s always better for a suicidal person to keep pressing on now that you’ve had a glimpse of the reality. Yes, when a mother leaves her young children, they’ll probably never get over it but they’ll probably also never recover from the damage she could inflict by sticking around for an eternity. So what’s best? My opinion is that every situation is different and requires a resolution unique to itself but sometimes, the controversial answer is the right one.

I’ll never change what the masses think but I’d like to at least challenge it so here’s hoping I’ve achieved that today! X

 

P.S. – All of the above is an extremely moderate version of real events, so if my viewpoint seems extreme, consider the words I haven’t written as well as the ones I have.